RaindropStatic

"I don't know why people are so attracted to beauty when reality is repulsive
And goddamn you're beautiful so I guess that makes you the host of an epidemic."

The last two lines of an entry in my ex boyfriends livejournal.

Respond to this post and I will:

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.

Stolen from dis_closed :)

p.s. I hate hate hate my layout, does anyone know any good free layout sites with easy and very full instructions for me??

EDIT::: if you respond to this you must must must post it yourself!

yeah, wow. I'm pretty fucking miserable.

I thought coming/being home would be comforting, and nice, but then I remembered that taking the Acela Express train from south station to penn station and then coming to my apartment just fucking reeked of my ex boyfriend. Jesus I had no idea this was coming.

Every time I came home on the weekends last semester (this was about every other weekend mind you) I would have the same routine. Get up early, take a cab, catch my train, sleep and text my boyfriend, get home and he would be waiting for me in my den. Well, today, all of the above happened, except that every time I would feel the instinctual excited feeling to get to my apartment, I would remember that I was excited to see my ex boyfriend, who wouldn't be there, who wouldn't be waiting for me on the couch in my beige den looking nervous and relieved for my arrival.

Instead, I just remembered that I was going home, and the only person/thing I'm excited to see in this damn city is my dog. Maybe I'm also vaguely excited about my favorite distractions from thinking about him, which would include my falafel place and my yoga place down the street from the falafel place. I know I'll spend 80 percent of my time there during this week, lurking and knitting while stuffing my face with falafel and then doing 60 minutes of Power Vinyasa Flow, then wait it out for another two hours in the falafel place, then do another 60 minutes, and so on and so forth. But it's all just one big distraction. That's what life feels like these days and it scares the hell out of me, one big distraction, one big avoidance, one big marathon run away from everything.

Then when I can't distract myself any longer, which is usually by the end of the day, I keep myself up confronting everything I don't want to.

I feel like Holden Caulfield. I can't sleep. And I'm realizing the only reason I like being at school better than being at home is because it has less associations to him. I can't sleep.

p.s. if you're reading this, I love you. Because you care, and that means more to me than anything else.
p.p.s. I get all sappy like this when I'm sleep deprived.


p.p.p.s. yes, I'm talking to you

Offff course I never got up the courage to ask him if he had a gf or not. Instead I got my friend to ask his best friend's girlfriend, which sounds kind of far removed but the three of them are really tight. She said she's pretty sure the whole "In a relationship" thing on facebook is more of a formality than anything else, and apparently got really excited when she found out about E and I. Haha E and I.

Blegh, I don't know. I'm getting super insecure about it and I feel all "The Other Woman"-esque. This is such a weird situation. I can't tell if he's shy or if he's not into me anymore, and I can't tell if its because of some other girl or for no reason at all. I hung out with his best friend and his girlfriend for a bit the other night and they kept trying to get me to say something about E to start up a conversation and I just didn't want to talk about it at all. I knew the only reason they wanted me to talk to them about it was so that they could figure out what was going on from my point of view so they could tell E, as opposed to just wanting to talk about it with me for the sake of it.

I don't know how to end this post, and I keep on rambling, so I'll just stop abruptly. Meh.

I guess I should have explained why it was so nice to just kiss a boy without any external pressures (at the time).

I try not to think about it because it's the most painful thing I've experienced in my life (I'm very lucky for that; no one I know has ever gotten severely sick or died, etc. and I'm in perfect health) but breaking up with my boyfriend, my first love, my first time, my first real best friend is still something I have to deal with. I'll leave the reasons for the break up for another post, but I realized just now that I never really said "why" it was fantastic. I mean, he was a good kisser but it was nothing special, and we were in my friends uncomfortable bed with two other people sleeping in the room with us, and there was just a lot of stuff that made the whole situation uncomfortable.

The reason it was "fantastic" is because I was able to do it. It was "fantastic" because I didn't feel guilty afterwards, and because it was a temporary distraction and relief from constantly missing my ex boyfriend. I actually relaxed for the first time in a really long time.

Anyway, thought I'd clear that up.

My mom and stepfather came this weekend to visit me, and my mom brought me five bags of food/care package things. I only unpacked the last two bags tonight and realized how amazing she is. She asked me for a list of things that I wanted and I gave it to her through a text message, and she made sure every single thing on that list was in those bags. I even asked for dried sweetened mango, and she went all the way down to Dylan's candy bar and got me three bags full of it because they didn't have it in the supermarket. She also must've gone across the street to Bloomingdales where she got me a box of Godiva chocolates. She also bought me a bag of bagels and a case of cream cheese from my favorite bagel place even further downtown from where we live and brought that too. It's things like this that make me so grateful to have her care about me so much. I wish I had been more grateful during high school, I really do. I wish I wasn't so self-involved to perceive everything she did as an attack on me. I wish I could go back to that time and not treat her so terribly, knowing the things that I know now that I'm away from home. I guess this is what college is for. Kind of.

I kissed a boy last night. And it was fantastic.

He's adorable. He's a sophomore, majoring in engineering. I feel pretty guilty but at the same time feel like I really shouldn't. I'm also incredibly confused about the whole situation going down. I'll explain why. (This is gonna be long.)

Here at my school people can have radio shows. Most of these kids are really into music and pretty awesome. My friend and I wanted to have a radio show and in order to do that you have to be trained by dj's that have had a radio show in the past. So we were assigned to two sophomores, one of them being engineering boy, who we will call E, and his best friend, M. I only went to one session since only one of us had to be trained seriously, so my friend went to the first few sessions and came back gushing about the cute guys that were training her (E and M). I went to the third session once my friend had already established some semblance of a relationship with them and finally met them. I automatically thought E was adorable and I told my friend that later. She kind of smiled and said (exact words): "Dude. Dibs."

Okay. Seriously? We're 18 years old. That would have flown in 10th grade. The whole "I met him first so I get him" doesn't apply anymore. There was clear chemistry between E and I, and my friend couldn't deal with it. After she said that I actually said "Wait are you serious?" And she just goes, "Well no, obviously not, but I did call that like a month ago..." Seriously. Seriously? Come on.

I just dropped it and knew if she was actually immature enough to believe that "seeing" him "first" would make it unacceptable for me to pursue something with him that there was no convincing her otherwise. I mean really, this is the exact situation that I dealt with in fucking 9th and 10th grade. It's not that 9th and 10th graders are idiots and beneath me, that's not what I mean. I just mean we've all been there, we've all realized how silly that ideology is by now, and have moved on. ANYWAY.

For our hip-hop concert we got GirlTalk to come and play a show for us. I went there with friends and ran into E and M, who were in the front row. I knew I needed to be near the front, so I just stayed with E, kind of awkwardly while my friend bitterly went to the back of the crowd with all the rest of my friends. If anyone is familiar with Girltalk, you'll know that at his concerts he lets up people from the crowd onto the stage to dance around him while he works his magic on his little laptop. So of course, as obsessed with him as I am, I managed to be one of the first to get on stage and planted myself right next to him, and didn't let anyone take my spot for the entire concert. I kept seeing E eyeing me and pretty much being completely jealous but also in awe that I was that girl that managed to be dancing with him all night. Throughout the show, Girltalk took of his shirt, gave it to me, danced with me and put me in front of his little dj-stand, and mind you this wall in front of the entire school! Anyway, afterwards Gregg (Girltalk's real name) asked me if anything was going on afterwards, so I gave him my number. I was all excited and adrenaline-rushed when I left, and coincidentally ran into E on my way to find my friends. I was having a cigarette and he was walking past me, so I kind of smiled at him and showed him Gregg's shirt. He smiled back and kept walking, then stopped, turned around and walked back. He kind of lingered for a second and then invited me to his party that he was throwing in his apartment that weekend. I accepted and told him I'd see him there.

And I did! We were late and pretty silly/drunk, and everyone had left at that point. E was there and kind of upset that I had missed out on the party, but then came with us (a pack of loud, obnoxious, boisterous freshman no less) when we went to find another party. He kind of stuck to me the whole night and followed me wherever I went. Again my friend is totally bitter. So whatever, we hang out all night then he eventually leaves, we say goodbye and I don't hear from him for the rest of the semester.

Recently when I broke up with my boyfriend (I forgot to mention that the reason I wasn't going for anything with him was mainly because I had a boyfriend at the time, obviously) I decided to ask him to teach me how to screenprint, and he was totally into it and made a date and everything. We eventually met after a few mishaps that led us to not make that appointment for a few weeks, and when we did it was really cute and awkward and silly, and everyone around us at the Craft Center were totally entertained by our subtle and timid flirting. However, five minutes before I was to meet him that night, I checked his Facebook and saw an update on his newsfeed....It said he was in a relationship...with some girl from his old high school? WHAT?

So that threw me off, and because he was so shy that night I felt like he wasn't into me or doing screen printing with me for that matter, since he was getting involved with a new girl. So after that, I didn't continue planning screen printing anymore.

Now here's the twist! Last night the Art Haus on campus was having a big costume party, and since I'm living there next year I had to be there all night and be on call to work the door and bar. While I was at the door, I saw a big group of kids approaching, and one kid leading the pack. I look closer and realize it's E! This is ridiculously surprising, since he's totally the type of guy to be too artsy to actually go to an Art Haus party. Anyway, I let him in and then when my shift was over I went to find him. Right away he gave me a big hug and asked when we were going to finish our screen printing project, and I told him I thought he wasn't really into it anymore. He thought that was totally weird and was just like, What are you talking about?? Of course I want to, etc etc. Then we started dancing somehow, I'm not really sure how it happened since I was pretty wasted off of jungle juice and SoCo. Then literally five minutes later of dancing I realize, holy shit I have to be at the bar right now for my shift! So I tell him to come find me if he wants a drink and I head for the kitchen. Two minutes later I'm ladling questionable punch into red plastic cups and handing them out when E comes up and is just kind of shyly standing there waiting to say hi. Luckily, my friend came over and saw that I was far too messed up to be serving drinks right now and took my shift for me. After that I went over to E and started talking to him, and we just stood and talked for like 45 minutes before I realized that my friend had left the bar and I didn't know where any of my other friends were either. This causes mild chaos and confusion and blah blah blah we eventually find everyone, but one of my friends from SMFA gets sick. At this point E's friends see that I'm with him and are like "Ohhhkay, we're gonna go back to Hillsides. You two....stay." Awkward.

We head over to my dorm, me, my friend who was pretty bitter about E in the first place, my sick friend, E, and a bunch of our other guy friends who are helping my sick friend back. We finally get him to the lobby of my dorm and he starts throwing up non-stop in the bathroom, which continues on for about three hours. At this point everyone's pretty dead but we can't leave him, so it's just me, my bitter friend, and E. I have no idea why E is sticking around at 3/4 in the morning but I don't really care, I really had started liking him at this point and he was obviously beginning to really like me too. The whole night I kept getting those signals, but then would get super confused and realize he has a girlfriend!

Finally we got my sick friend to bed around 4 30, and at this point E decides to let us know that he doesn't even have his keys, and has nowhere to sleep. So of course we offer him a bed, and me and my friend share her roommates bed. After 20 minutes of lying in this gross bed full of food crumbs and covered in hair, I just decided to go over to E's bed and get in with him. It was totally silly and obviously just a huge excuse to be close to him, but he definitely appreciated it and got the signal loud and clear. We ended up cuddling for about two hours, really close and pretty touchy, until we end up in this weird position where instead of my head resting on his arm/against his chest, my face is level with his face on the pillow and we're facing each other. We end up getting so close that our mouths are basically touching, and when one of us breathes really deeply, our lips actually do touch. We laid there in that position for thirty minutes, awkward and unsure of what to do. Everything was racing through my mind at once, and I'm sure it was the same for him. All I could think about was his weird girlfriend who's still in Connecticut, the fact that he's probably asleep and doesn't even realize that we're practically kissing right now, the possibility of him putting his lips this close to me on purpose, the questions of "was that my cue? should I kiss him? am I supposed to? is he asleep?" etc etc. Finally after not moving, scared to get too close and also too far away from the weirdly close position, he finally kisses me, and the only way I can describe it is by using the word tentatively. We kissed until it started to become light outside and until it was completely light and until everyone else started waking up. He didn't even try anything else; all he did was hold my chin or stroke my back or play with my hair, and it was actually the sweetest kissing I've ever experienced.

Okay enough of the sappy details, cause this is the issue. Of course I'm going to get attached, and of course I will get hurt, because at this point I've learned to not expect anything from guys. This is especially hard however, when most guys want to spend the night, convince you that they love cuddling and ask you intimate questions when you know they're going to disappear the next day, and the next time you see them is at a frat party hooking up with some weird, slutty sorority girl in the corner. Seriously. This happens all the time.

And wait, does he have a girlfriend?? I feel like he's moral enough to never do that, and I'm guessing they're just friends joking around, right? He's too much of a nice guy to ever do that, and to give me signals like that and follow me around all night if he had a girlfriend. But then again, I always think I'm dealing with "nice guys" when in reality, there is no such thing as a "nice" guy, or even a "bad" guy. A "nice" guy to me would be any guy that would do what I would want him to do in a certain situation, and I've realized that girls easily categorize guys that don't do what they want them to do as "bad" guys. Does that make sense? Does any of this make sense? Is anyone actually going to ever read this entire overly-detailed account of a night that could be either completely innocent or completely evil, depending on his current situation with the other girl? SO MANY QUESTIONS, and no answers.

I find that I have gushes of emotion throughout the day, but am too busy/stressed out/anxious to do anything about it. Doing anything about it being writing it down, here.


After this week I think it'll be better. But I say that every week, and it's still shitty.


I went to a counselor today on campus. He tried and tried but he was of no help to me. He didn't realize I would need to be medicated, immediately, when we made the appointment, and thought that talking would do. It doesn't. I've been "talking" since my first phobia in 3rd grade, which was of flying. It then continued to every phobia in the world and then general anxiety ultimately culminating in crippling depression. "Talking" does me no good Mr. Dr. Eric Somethingsomething. He understood that as soon as I walked into his office and he read the upside-down capital letters written on my hand that spelled out "MEDS." Ha.


Walking back to my dorm amidst slushy-slush fatty snowflakes, I saw a student, probably a sophomore or junior walking towards me. He was smiling. To himself. All alone. In the disgusting sleet, without an umbrella, hood, snowshoes, anything really. Just his books and a smile. A few yards after I had passed him I passed another student, this one a senior probably, holding a cup of shitty coffee from the dining hall, wearing a thin khaki jacket and flip flops. He was looking up, straight at the sky, with his mouth wide open trying to catch snowflakes. He was laughing to himself, at the sheer insanity and ridiculousness of what he knew he was doing. But he didn't stop. Not even when I walked by him, looked back, and couldn't help laughing at him. I looked back again after I turned the corner and saw that he was still there, in the same position, still trying earnestly to catch fucking snowflakes in his fucking mouth.


That's when I realized that I've never felt like a real person. I've never been like my roommate, naive and perky, sometimes a bit sad if she's homesick, and extremely happy when she passes her bio test. I'll never be like her. I'll always be the girl crying until her throat burns on the bathroom floor and I'll always be the unexplainably angry girl who carries around a camera all day because she's scared she'll forget her life. Sometimes I like it, I'm glad my feelings are deeper than a puddle and that I can feel pain, real pain, and love, deep heart wrenching love that drives me to literal insanity. But other times I wish I could just fucking stand in the snow and be happy that its snowing, because it's white, and fluffy, and small enough to fit in my mouth if I stand under it long enough with my mouth wide and my tongue sticking out.



I fucking miss my ex-boyfriend.

This feels pretty lonely.
I need some lj friends.

I had to make a new livejournal because my ex-boyfriend is stalking my other one, and I can't write anything I actually want to say. I'm not sure what it is yet, but all I know is that I want to be able to start anew, and have no one know who I am. I may post a few pictures here and there but for the most part, that'll just run the risk of him finding me.
My name is Elizabeth, but you can call me Eli. Nice to meet you.